Searches yield all kinds of results for someone dealing with depression and sadness.
- “Keep your chin up.”
- “Meditate. Nourish your soul.”
- “Work out – Nourish your body.”
- “Find a hobby and stick with it.”
- “Hang out with people and be social.”
- “Get outside and do things.”
- “Focus on you. The rest will come.”
The list goes on.
Here I said, looking back at the things I’ve tried to rectify the situation. A half-finished pair of coloring books. A daily regimen of working out and meditating. A musical instrument (well, when the shop finally gets it back to me). Time spent outside, exploring, hiking, enjoying nature, and doing what I can to make myself happy. It feels like none of it has worked. None of it has helped.
The missing element is the social aspect, and the source of when I’m down. No matter what I do, no matter how I look at it, I am alone. Alone on my hikes. Alone on my rides. Alone in my apartment. Alone walking through town. Alone.
It’s not for a lack of trying. I’ve made plans with people to hang out. Inevitably, they fall through. I’ve been abandoned by friends and (now former) partners left and right, seemingly cast aside without a second thought. Excuses are made. Promises for the future are made. The word ‘busy’ is repeated like a mantra.
Here I sit. Alone. The last time I spent with someone other than at work for more than 15 minutes? Early February, I think.
When is it alright to accept defeat? When is it alright to accept that my social circle not only has collapsed, but is non-existent? When is it alright to say “That’s fine. It doesn’t matter anymore.” When is it alright to say “I give up?”
Because I’m dangerously close, except I don’t know how to. The idea of giving up seems like a fantasy, the release I need to help myself, the greener patch across the fence, though I know it isn’t, and is probably much worse.
I put an inspirational quote on my whiteboard today, directly above my computer to help keep me motivated, to help keep my spirits up. In the back of my mind, I think it’s a farce, just another attempt to distract.
Do I sit and write all of this to make others feel bad? Is this an attempt for me to wave my arms and scream for attention to those whom I felt have “wronged” (for lack of a better term) me?
No.
This is my outlet. This is my way of saying “God damn it, I’m trying to not give up.What I’ve tried hasn’t worked. God damn it, I need help. ”
Except the answer seems to always be the same.
Silence.